| hey |
[Apr. 21st, 2007|12:41 pm] |
Ok so things with chris are going good. I really do like him. Anyways...same old day. Went to fill out apps but everything wasn't open cause me and trish went really early. Anyways...Things have been good. Still trying to find a job. Preasure is on too cause my rents are really getting on me about it. I understand though. I am 19 years old i do need to have a job and working on moving out. So yeah i got the job at teleservices and it lasted just the two class days and one day on the floor and let me tell you it sucked. I was so bored. I sat on my ass all day and got two ten minute breaks. I guess i need something a little bit more productive. Anyways...I am thinking about applying at charlett russ and wet seal. I know they are chick stores but i get along with chicks the best, and come on a gay guy working at a womens clothing store. You can garantee i will make sales. lol. Yeah i am suppose to hang out with chris today. it has been almost a week. I feel bad but i need a job, and i don't really have gas especially since it is 2.99 right now. Well i have more to this boring life, short entry, but i will finish that up later.
Dustin |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 12th, 2007|06:34 pm] |
God. I am so confused. Chris wrote me a message back after i told him about how i had a great time, and how i miss him and want him back. He said he is sorry for leading me on last night, but he kinda wants to get back together but we need to talk about it and that he is confused. So does that mean no or does that mean yes? It sounds like a no. I dunno. I called the ZLB plasma place and they said i can make 65 dollars a week and well...i could do that but the only problem is that I have cuts from a few days ago on my arms still, and god i want to add more. SOOOO badly. I may and then i dunno. I just want to die. I want to blow my fucking brains out. I have no job and I have no one that fucking cares about me. I just can't stand it. It is pathetic. I just want to die. I dunno. I am so tired and i have been tired for days and i dunno why. I dunno if it could possibly be my kidneys or what. I dunno. anyways...I guess i will end this entry with this. I am tired.
Dustin |
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| ok so wow... |
[Apr. 12th, 2007|03:33 am] |
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So today i hung out with chris. OMG he s so amazing. I dunno why i even let him go so fast. I dunno. I can't help it. He is so sweet. we kissed and cuddled for like 2 hours. Then we even messed around up in the parking garage. I dunno. I couldn't help but smile when i saw his face. We are just scared we wont see eachother as much as we want to. If he only knew i blew him off half the time for stupid fucked up reasons. I guess i just wasnt ready fro a relationship. i dunno. I miss him but what if he is right. i dunno i guess we are hanging out again. I bought some more razor blades today cause all of mine are dull. so if an ocassion arises then i have some sharp ones. lol. anyways...i dunno i guess we will see how things work out. |
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| hmmm...who should i choose. |
[Apr. 9th, 2007|07:34 pm] |
so yeah i am so going for a relationship. So anyways... ok I am talking to chris my ex that didn't work out. Well him and his boyfriends are having problems and he still likes me i think. and he is thinking about breaking up with himand he wants to hang out on wednesday. well i dunno what it is, but he seems he has changed and i dunno. The more and more i talk to him the more i like him and miss him. I honestly was just scared of comitment when i was with him cause he was part of the little dating spree i went on i guess you could call it.
Well then there is this guy that tosh is friends with named nick. he is cool. He isn't really as cute, and he isn't as hin as chris is, but he seems like he would be a cool guy. but he has dated Ashley and i dunno if that would be a good idea. dating people that has dated past friends and shit. i dunno. I need to talk to trish about it and chantel maybe. i dunno. hmmm... i think i am going to choose chris but i dunno.
Other than that not much is new. i have been in a decent mood. lately. It's just ever since i did the acid i am now looking for luv more than short term stuff like before. I dunno. I guess its time though. i havn't had a real relationship since Matt. Oh well. i will figure this out. lol. |
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| oh god |
[Apr. 7th, 2007|03:44 pm] |
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Holy shit! I feel like shit. I just got back from easter. I drank too much beer last night. blah. I dunno what is going on in my life anymore. Not that i ever did, but... I dunno. I hate being in love and the person just wants to have sex and not have a relationship. I dunno what to do. I just want someone to love me back. I am lonely and i feel like shit and feel like i am being treeted kinda shitty, but then again I am letting it go. I guess i figure i might as well be as close as i can. even though it sucks. I still don't have a job. I put applications in, but i can't apply anywhere good because i had to be dumb and do drugs. I am so stupid. I set my self up for failure on any subject that deals with life. I just need someone to talk to. I should probably get back on my medication, but if i do that i can't really drink or do anything else, but got cuts on my arm and i am a mess. I dunno what to do. Should probably just off myself but i can't. I too big of a pussy. not to mention i guess i don't want to die. I just like the pain of a razor blade. I just need help. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 23rd, 2007|09:18 pm] |
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OK even worse. I am bored, and i just got told that if i can't pass a piss test when it comes to getting a job i will be kicked out. well i dunno if i can piss clean but at least i know that i can apply for jobs that don't require a piss test i guess that works. god it is hard to tell anymore if they test or not. i will apply at starbucks i guess and some other places. i need to get stoned or something. i can't piss clean anyways. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 23rd, 2007|09:17 pm] |
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Ok so yeah i found some of my old wedding invitation lists and love notes, and pictures from me and matt. I still love him. he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. of course it has been 2 years but he won't even reply to my myspace messages. I went to derek and chantels and got boligerantly drunk. drank prolly almost a bottle of vodka. kinda feel bad about drinking so much of dereks vodka but...he said i could have at it. lol. I dunno so much has been happening lately that i don't tell people. about. like in my head and things going on in real life. Something happend a few nights ago and i dunno if it was a good thing or if it was a bad thing. One of my old friends hung out with me while trish was at her mans house. i guess...lets put it that way. anyways...we had sex. it was good, but i love this person. serverly. i have for a LONG time. I dunno. anyways...it was fucked up. they don't know if it was a sexual or if they have feelings. i dunno. it was amazing to be with that person i have felt so strong about for so long. I dunno. I am happy i had the chance but now that it isn't going anywhere kinda makes me upset. i dunno. i guess i just need to forget about it. Just maybe hang out with them more. :::sigh::: i am off of here. |
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| i'm so confused and i dunno if i should be happy or depressed |
[Mar. 23rd, 2007|08:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
Ok so yeah i found some of my old wedding invitation lists and love notes, and pictures from me and matt. I still love him. he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. of course it has been 2 years but he won't even reply to my myspace messages. I went to derek and chantels and got boligerantly drunk. drank prolly almost a bottle of vodka. kinda feel bad about drinking so much of dereks vodka but...he said i could have at it. lol. I dunno so much has been happening lately that i don't tell people. about. like in my head and things going on in real life. Something happend a few nights ago and i dunno if it was a good thing or if it was a bad thing. One of my old friends hung out with me while trish was at her mans house. i guess...lets put it that way. anyways...we had sex. it was good, but i love this person. serverly. i have for a LONG time. I dunno. anyways...it was fucked up. they don't know if it was a sexual or if they have feelings. i dunno. it was amazing to be with that person i have felt so strong about for so long. I dunno. I am happy i had the chance but now that it isn't going anywhere kinda makes me upset. i dunno. i guess i just need to forget about it. Just maybe hang out with them more. :::sigh::: i am off of here. |
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| Best weekend ever !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
[Mar. 11th, 2007|03:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  WOOHOO | ] |
OMG this has been the best weekend of my life. lol. Too start...on friday I bought some snurf and did that with trish. I took one didn't feel it for three hours so i took another one. LOL. OMFG I was so unbelievably fucked up. I was tripping the fuck out. I would start thinking of one thing and it would lead to another topic that and it would pretty much make a chain and then it would get interupted cause i would loose my thought and i would start all ove again. It was crazy. Everything looked weird and it was just nuts. It was fun.
Then on saterday me and trish did addys and went to Barnes and Nobles. Which is always a blast cause i got to look at some books and look at some magazines. It was cool. Then we went to the mall which was cool. There is this guy that was working at hot topic and OMG he was so fucking hot. lol. Then later we went to jo and christina's because christina is having her baby monday. Then we got a call from Trisha's sister brandy and we tried getting me into a bar. It took 4 tries but i finally got into one called the checker board. Before the fourth we gave up and i took a snurf...after i hade been on addys... and then I drank a few beers at the bar. I got a chicks nuimber even though i have no use for it. lol. then there was an older lady that was 39 and she was hitting on me through out the night. lol. It was amazing. Then we went to payless to get stuff to make for breakfast cause we went to brandy's house afterwards. We all got in pajamas including brad, and we ate sausage and biscuits and played a wii lol. it was awesome. oh and drank more beer. I was still speeding from addys, tripping from snurf, and drunk from the 8 beers all on top of it. it was the best time ever. LOL. OMG I can't believe i went to a bar!!! LOL.
PEACE!!! |
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| so yeah |
[Mar. 1st, 2007|05:33 pm] |
I am going to go apply for jobs after i am done with this. Anyways...i guess i am going to go apply at meijers and shit. Bleh. anyways...so yeah i am doing somewhat better. haven't cut myself since tuesday. I dunno now i guess i am just here and nothing seems to matter. I applied for a porn job, all i have to do is set up a cashmodel account and send the company my account number and shit. Makes 1000 or more for one set and i could do that for 30 days a month. lol. getting paid to have sexy why not. lol. well anyways...i am going to go.
dustin |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 28th, 2007|03:23 am] |
So yeah i was going to quit subway and just not show up, but i didn't want to screw jo over cause she is a good lady and she would have been working the lunch rush alone. So anywyays..I go in and iris is there i wasn't even going to go in i was just going to drive off, but i went in to tell her i quit and yeah she said she was letting me go as soon as i walked in tghe door. Anyways...I hope her sister with cancer dies here shortly cause then iris and her husband that only has a 5th grade education can fucking live on the streets. I am calling the health department tomarrow about their entire rack of chips that is expired and the bottled pops that Sandy wont get rid of cause she says it is a waist of money. Grrr...
I talked to that guy I justr got out of a relationship with that is so perfect and yeah he ran cause of commmitment issues. And then if that isn't enough i have my mom saying that I should have told my family that i quit cause she doesn't want them knowing i got fired. I was like what the hell. Anyways... The stress is building and the depression is getting worse. I have already punished myself 10 times and plan on more after i finish this. On my home fromt he gym i was going to run off the road by the 43 on ramp cause it is a steep hill and couldn't do it. I dunno I am sick of this. I want to live but i am pointless. God i dunno what to do. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 26th, 2007|10:54 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  rejected | ] |
So yeah Work sucked...got wrote up, lost my raise, customer got up in my face, closed 40 minutes late. I want to die. I am done. No matter what happens something goes wrong. I am a worthless piece of shit. Infliction of pain isn't taking care of things. God if only I was brave enough to cut all the way through. I am so sick of it. I wish I could just move somewhere and start over. Clean slate. Not knowing anything. Just rebuild my life from scratch. Won't be able to do that till i get another job. Yeah I am done. I am quiting. They don't pay me enough to shed blood or have anxiety attacks in the back. I am done trying. |
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| WOW IT'S BEEN A WHILE!!! |
[Feb. 25th, 2007|03:52 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | trishas | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | EVERYTHING!!! | ] |
| [ | music |
| | none yet putting some on now. | ] |
So yeah i am actually not drunk lol. But I am FUCKED up. lol. Ok so i am looking at my last entry from 2 months ago. lol. Anyways...I am going to try to update more often. So yeah...Me and Chris didn't work out so I went out with this other guy. Well...lets just put it this way...It was only lasted a month, but OMG he was everything i have been looking for. Not one thing to pick at. He had a great body, and was the cutest guy I have ever date including EVEN Matt!!! I though that would never happen. Anyways...he was also sweeter than any guy except Matt in this case. We were going to wait to go out, and we did for a while. Never had I felt so strongly for someone since Matt, and eventually he stopped answering my texts an not calling but he was really busy. Well then he came in to see me at work and said he loves me and smiles at me and shit well never text me after that and I text him to ask if it was over and he never replied so i went somewhere and saw him and he stayed as far away from me as possible and yeah it was bullshit. Never have i hurt so bad. Not just emotionally but even physically. You probably know what i am talking about, that felling when you get crushed and your heart ACTUALLY hurts. I had it before but this was more than ever. I just wanted to fall to my knees and scream cause it physically hurt so fucking bad. Anyways...i dunno I have just been really depressed lately. Like beyond normal, but i usually have a week every month or two like this a month. I don't know if it was because he was so perfect or if it was because none of the guys i have been dating have been working out. What is wrong with me??? Am i that fat or unattractive? not to sound cocky or anything but i think i look decent or pretty good. I dunno. I was in Meijer after I saw him and I dunno just had crazy thoughts i guess of dying. Already back to my old depression habits. I dunno. Hopefully it gets better. I am sure it will. It just sucks going through and time drags.
Anyways...the only time i am happy anymore is when i am with Trish or doing something with Trish like the gym. So i dunno what i would do with out her. She is amazing. If I were straight i would make her my wife, but yeah that wouldn't work out. LOL. I think we all know why. Anyways...I have came to the conclusion that I need a MAN. An older man between the ages of 25 and 40. Figure they will be more into a relationship cause they would be done with their fling days. Just a though but don't know for sure. I guess i will find out. Just need to get so fit that know straight man can resist. LOL. JJK. That would be nice but yeah. LOL.
So yeah Things are a little fucked up. Work sucks but taht is work for you, even though it is mostly the management and shit. Otherwise it isn't that bad. I'm friends with my co-workers so that is good. If you can't tell by now i am on Adderall. Killing the pain i guess you could say. Need to stop doing that though cause when i sober up the problem comes back and i have to deal with it again. Anyways...started hanging out with Jo and Christina again. Their cool. Going to hang out with Sam hopefully tomarrow. Anyways...later. I'll try to update once a week. lol.
<3 Dustin
P.S. If you actually read this LJ and think i rant a lot and shit about depression, problems, drama, whatever I am not apologizing anymore cause I have figure out that This just helps me get shit out so...if you are interested with whats going on in my life then read but if not then sorry. |
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| hey |
[Dec. 28th, 2006|04:06 am] |
ok so yeah i am drunk right now at trisha's. anyways...yes i am still with chriss i guess it has been a month and whatever. anyways....I may sound stupid but i am, so in love with this boy. He is everything i have ever wanted. He is nice, cute, and he really likes me as well. I am so happy. I get to see him tomarrow. Anyways...yeah...lol. I am so happy. So yeah...for the new year i am quitting smoking, going to try to get a six pack by july or so and yeah. Anyways...I want to go to to this masquerade ball thing cause it sounds like a blast but i am trying to see if chantel and derek have room for us. I am also wainting to see if trish wants to go or what. anyways...yeah. Life is going great. lol. Well yeah i think i will write later. hahahaha
dustin |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 11th, 2006|06:30 pm] |
well i got my septum piecred. It's awesome one less place to get a hole in. I am starting to run out of places to get pierced. Anyways....as for the diet thing...so far i am eating everyother day. Well except saterday and sunday because yeah i was stoned. lol. but now i go sober for like 3 weeks. along with hardcore dieting. So yeah hopefully i can budge a few pounds. Anyways...me and chris are doing good. beau is talking ahit saying i am dirty but it's cool i don't mind going to jail for assulting a minor. lol. jjk. anyways....so yeah life is going good. Might go drink a couple of beers with trish tonight gte a good buzz and then i am going to get paid wednesday woohooo. right now i am looking into financing a laptop. hell yeah. anyways....g2g. later.
~dustin |
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| ok its been a month |
[Dec. 5th, 2006|01:40 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | He makes it all better | ] |
| [ | music |
| | From Autum to Ashes. | ] |
Ok it's been a month and yeah...things hjave gotten better, and have changed. I am now with a guy named chris and he is amazing. he is anything I could ever ask for. That "someone" yeah will never happpen, but yeah I am happy. He is amazing. He is funny, cute, and just amazing in every way possible.
I am falling for him and it has only been 2 weeks or 3. I dunno. usually i won't let myself get so worked up about someone so fast as i am now, but i can't help it. I dunno. It is great.
As for the weight loss thing yeah....trish got off and yeah we have been eating and i weighed myself today and i am 177. I am terrible. I need to get back on the starvation especially since i have a man that i need to look good for. so yeah i have 40 lbs to loose. I was going to try to do it by january as a new year thing. but yeah. i guess i will just have to make that a new years resolution. I am pissed and depressed about tthat but i try to not let it get to me as much, but it does. BADLY. sometimes i just want to punish myself for letting my self get so bad again, but yeah. anyways... thing are going good no matter what.
Subway sucks i need another job. my last pay check was 147 for 2 weeks. yeah. I am down to 37 bucks for the next week for gas and excess cigs if i need to. anyways...I got a mohawk. My friend chantel did it for me. it's cool.
Alot is new but...yeah that would take up a whole page for one entry lol. so yeah. iu guess i need to keep updating and getting on the pro anorexia group more for some support. well...later.
~dustin |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 5th, 2006|10:44 pm] |
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ok so yeah i am hyped as fuck. lol. anyways...yeah. I saw "that person" on friday and yeah. didn't get to do what i wanted to do. Which is flirt and maybe get some one on one time but yeah. i dunno. I give up. It would be dumb for me to even think about actually getting with him. I can't be that dumb. I hate it. I dunno. I give up. I am going to be single forever. What the hell is my problem. I am not going to turn to drugs like i use to. I am just going to go back to the old methods. They worked better, and i am the only one that knows what that means kinda. The starvation starts tomarrow. I am going 2 weeks this time. I am totally going to die if i don't loose like 10 lbs. I have been crying because of this whole Fat thing. I just...i dunno. Anyways...yeah. What am i going to do. I have had a lot of posts on here saying that i am going to give up and i get all emo and shit but really man. This isn't about one boy in particular or anything. I am just done fooling myself. This is getting old. I just need to curl up and die. Well...at least half way. I am so dumb. I can't stop crying and thinking about things. I need to get back to practicing the craft. It has been a while and i will get what i want . no matter what anyone says. I am so dead inside. i g2g. all this thinking about shit is just making me emotional. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 24th, 2006|02:39 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Franz Ferdinand - take me out | ] |
So yeah i am now on a liquid diet. it has been 5 days i think. I dunno. I am 170, and now I have a mohawk. LOL. Trish got her hair cut and she looks adorable. I am still sober...no smoke. don't plan on touching it ever again. Anyways...i am bored and figured i have some new shit to write about. So yeah. thats that and na na na na na i have a mohawk....so fuck you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 12th, 2006|11:40 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blank | ] |
So yeah...i still don't know what i am going to do about a guy, but i have a lot of guys adding me lately myspace. Decicided to not do the sff thing again because yeah...i dunno. I guess i have had enough sex with random people. LOL. Anyways...
I am at 174 right now and hopefully i will loose atleast 10 more lbs before trish gets off. If not then i will be doomed to be fat forever. Anyways... The only thing that is getting me down lately is the whole not getting a job. So i decicided I AM going to apply at subway. They are offering full time positions. so yeah. Anyways... Thats about all thats new.
~dustin |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 7th, 2006|09:51 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | i wanna make gashes | ] |
ok...well...i got back from trisha's from drinking. i am going insane. i keep thinking anbout my ex. I want to be back with him. i am in love still and....i dunno. i am going psycho and trust me i am not using that word as joking around. i got home and made myself puke and then i broke out the adderall. i wanna die. i wanna be skinny. i don't understand. i have been with a FEW guys and none of them add up to my ex even put all together. i wanna kill myself and honestly it is hard for me righjt now not to get out my razor blade and cut away at the pain. yeah he broke up with beau but there is another guy and i knew that before i started talking to him. i dunno. i am going nuts and don't know what to do. i guess all i can do is talk to him. god...just kill me now. i wish i was dead. i have no purpose. i am fat nasty and will never find anyone because i let the good one get away a year and a half ago. ok well...i am not ok and hopefully i will figure something out as long as i am living.
~dustin |
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